Notes on the process today

DRUA

 The knowing

Money impedes my soul.                                    It's Perfect

'Love is All You Need'

TRUST                                                              This is it

Nothing is Permanent                                   

Wandering                                                          SO BE IT.

'Walking the World'

Wider Perspective                                              There are no Absolutes

tuning in to 'The Natural'

Leaving Backwards                                            HOLD YOUR NERVE

Its Perfect

                                                                         Our Authentic Selves

Present

'Let it all wash over you'

'All that played on my mind, not me own troubles, other peoples.  Played on me mind and that's what happened to me.'

"There should be no end only new beginnings" - Ruth Little

"...but we are all on the edge of someone elses world and in the centre of our own" - Ruth Little

"To find out about a process go to its edge, the place where definition begins and take that as your centre.  It might be a physical or a social place but in it's broader understanding it's a border, a place of convergence and many stories, a place of difficulty and becoming where skills are learned." - Ruth Little

"20^th February, 2012

Can you bear witness to me?  Just for a while, a little while even?  You might not be able to bear it for long, witness I mean.  Have you done it before?  Is it a role you’ve become familiar with or is it something you’ve learned to avoid like looking in the mirror for too long?

Can you bear witness with me?  Just for a while, a little while even?  Is it something we can do together or do we have to do it separately as individuals, each inside our own psyche looking out through our own tormented eyes, alone, apart from, removed.

Can you bear witness for me? Just for a while, a little while even?  Can you do it for me while I can’t do it for myself, if I ever can.  Can you hold your gaze fixed on me when I can’t bear to do it myself, when I can’t even contemplate doing it myself, when I don’t even know what it is to do it.

Can you bear witness?  Just for a while, a little while even?  Can you?  Are you willing to try to go to that place and preserve a sense of reality while I’m flailing feels like failing but it isn’t.  Can you?  Will you try?  That’s all I can really ask of you.

Try. J’essay."

Random Encounters in The Life

Yesterday I was sitting outside Stage Door Cafe with my friend having the chats before going to the launch of TURNAROUND at Project, we were joined by two people we know and were having a brief catch-up post MAKE 2012.  A man approached who was agitated and came right into the circle towards me, extending his hand clasped in a fist as a greeting to me, our fisted hands met gently.  He asked for some money but was anxious to assert that he wasn't begging of us.  "I'm not beggin' off ye, I'm not beggin' off ye, I'm not beggin' off ye" I gave him some money from my pocket.  I don't always do this, but he really needed it.  His face was covered in bruises and cuts, where there was congealed dry blood.  He stayed and spoke with me and my friend, our colleagues had to leave to attend the launch.  "Thanks Angel" he said, Angel, again.  He extended his elbow towards me as another greeting, another meeting point and bent down and kissed my shoulder.  He did the same to my friend, extending his elbow as a salute, bending down to kiss her shoulder.  "See yis Angels, Angels, see yis" he said as he walked away.


A Series of Random Encounters in Dublin: (Transfer from notebooks)

"Can I Tell You About W.....? 23rd January 2010
W..... was beautiful.  His eyes were a bright blue that not only dazzled but looked straight into your soul, he wasn't afraid to let you look into his.  He had lovely hair too, sandy blond, and though he was usually unwashed in the time I knew him, I imagine that it used to be brighter, blonder.  He was tall and well built, he must have been a handsome man in his day, he was still handsome when I met him, but I imagine he was gorgeous before. Before what? Well before the drugs is the short answer.  In my experience there are no real short answers in life, in living life so its a bit of a silly saying I think now.
W..... got into crime pretty young I only knew him briefly and intermittently over the course of a couple of years, in two separate sort of 'professional capacities' so I'm not going to pretend here that I knew his full story or anything about the impact his life had on other people.  I can only tell you, if I can, about the impact he had on mine.  So W..... was a criminal.  I don't know how he started, but he promoted himself to bank robber while still very young.  "Sure no wonder I had to rob banks when she kept wanting a new kitchen all the time!" he joked one night while sitting in the doorway of a hotel in Rathmines adjacent to where the hot air came up through a grate.  I had this conversation with W.....while he sat there on the cold stone step unable to rise himself because his leg had blown up to about five times its norm.  He was smiling and telling me his life story interjecting funny stories and tragic events as I was trying to get him to go to the hospital in an ambulance.  W...... was HIV+ and had also contracted Hep C.  He was yellow in his beautiful face and his giant leg, though covered in classy trendy jeans, his foot squashed into a nice pair of nikey, was elephantesque and the notion that he had ever been or ever could be considered a catch was peculiar at best.  But that's not what I wanted to tell you.  I want to tell you about W....., about his smile, about how his eyes lit up the night though the rest of his body was failing him.  I want to tell you about the sheer peace I felt with him.  How I felt no fear standing in a laneway with him and his associates, some perhaps his friends, in the dark one Saturday night.  I felt no fear because of W......, had he not been in the crowd, I am positive I wouldnt have stayed long either!  When two more joined the party, having just scored heroin, W....., on seeing them about to cook up directed them calmly but very clearly to walk up the lane further, "You don't do that in front of ladies" he said. W..... never got in the ambulance that night.  No matter what I said he had an alternative, but he was used to hospitals, more than me he knew the drill, he'd seen the capabilities and capacity of the hospital, even the specialist unit, to make him feel better, to solve his problems, and he chose not to go, not to repeat the cycle, on that night any way.  Not too long after that W..... died."

"Sundady, 20th March 2010
M.....
M..... shook hands with me, asked me how was my day.  Did I enjoy St. Patricks Day? I didn't I said, he said he was up the North, "IRA IRA" he was afraid to open his mouth.  Have I any change to get some fruit maybe, he said, food. I said I hadn't any money but did he want a cigarette, yes, he said.  I gave him the pack, it had two left in it.  God Bless you he said, what's your name, Veronica I said, I'm M..... he said, and we shook hands.  How come your so nice he asked me, you're an Angel he said, lovely, he said, most people aren't that nice, you're an Angel he said.  Thanks I said, you're lovely too.  Thanks Veronica God Bless you and enjoy your day.  Thanks M...., you too.  Then he shouted back down the street to me, Veronica if I see you again I'll have a cupa tea with you.  Lovely I said and started writing."

"15th September 2010
I met A... outside the Project today.  He had a very large contusion above his right eye and across his forehead was covered with dried in blood.  His lip was swollen and cut and I found it very difficult to understand him.  He started to talk to me, without any prompting and within minutes he was shaking my hand and calling me Angel.  As we were talking I introduced myself and we shook hands again and he told me his name was A... .  He told me he used to go out with a girl called V........ years ago, from Dolphin's Barn, as he said it an image popped into my mind of a thin tallish girl called V....... who I met at a bus stop in Dolphin's Barn when I had S... with me in the buggy.  For some reason I knew this was the same girl.  She had crutches and I think she was a heroin user and I think she is dead now.  I think that's what he implied when he said her name.  We were talking and when I found it difficult to understand him I just said I can't understand can you say that to me again please.  He was holding a can of something, cider maybe in his hand the whole time.  He smelled like stale alcohol.  Just as we were talking a group of tourists walked by and ran at a tall man, older with pure white hair.  The man got a fright and as he walked on I said this to A... and he laughed and asked me "Do you think I frickened him?" I asked him to repeat this and he did, and I understood then.  I said they're tourists they dont have the same sense of humour as us, they wouldn't understand our sense of humour.  He laughed and said "No, no they wouldn't!"  (.....) "I have to go back into work" I said.  "See you later Angel, see you later" A... said as if it was my name."

Phase 1: Post MAKE 2012 - back from Annaghmakerrig: Notes on the week

Sunday, 11th March 2012

First Group Meeting:

"Is this my story , or what part of this is my story?"

If I'm going to sleep out for an extended period of time, then it is my story.  But I'm not actually homeless.  I have a home.  At the moment.  I'm in arrears at the moment, have been in arrears on my mortgage for over 2 years now.  And I'm not currently paying my mortgage 'cos I can't afford to.

"JESUS BLOOD NEVER FAILED ME YET"

BAG - Camino School Bag: Everything I need inside it, nothing else

STICK. I dont think I will have a stick now, although I took the one John found for me home as a talisman

TORCH

MP3PLAYER

SLEEPING BAG

MAP FOR MARKING PATTERN OF MOVING

COFFEE CUP: Donations?

BLACK BAGS. (Gaffa tape?)

FLIP FLOPS

RUNNERS

Monday, 12th March 2012

Chats with Richard:

'Susan & Darren' - Darrens dance on the floor, the absence/space left where he'd slept with people

Ella Clarke? Physicality: 'Practice inviting being seen' 'What if where you are is what you need'

May Steward - Choreographer - EMOTIONAL TASKS

'Make yourself invisible' 'Practice being dead'

Question from Richard:

"How do I process that and how do I share that process after?"

Philisophical/Psychological/Political/Social/Physical/Spiritual

Processing & Presenting at the same time

Constructing a piece of performance

Tehching Hsieh NYC: Putting himself in situations outside of his usual expereince

Tehching Hsieh

Preparing for a Trip SAFETY

PHASE II: "Will You Sleep Rough With Me?"

Presence of the friend/family member: your life - people you've slept in the same house as/shared a bed with.

RESPOND TO: "Why are you doing this?"

The role of the artist...

Wednesday, 14th March 2012

Session with Florian

- DOCUMENTATION -

Writing a blog? Clinical? Emotional?

Surveillance Videos?

London artist who worked through surveillance videos, formed a relationship with the operators...

- Film - follow on

Try different means of documenting in Phase II

-sound, writing, diary, blog.

Architects, homeless project - street structures.

TIME

SPACE

FOOD

WEATHER

DONATION

-Donation box?

- Occupying Space: Different Spaces/occupy space.

14th March 2012

3.40pm to

BOAT HOUSE; OCCUPY SPACE # 1

IN THE BOAT, CLIMBED INTO THE BOAT HOUSE.

TIME CHANGES VERY QUICKLY. SLOWS DOWN: CALMER

SOUND AMPLIFIES: BECOMES INTENSE: ICAN IMAGINE EACH CREAK GETTING IN ON MY NERVES AFTER A WHILE

THOUGHT: COMMUNICATION? WOULD HAVE MY A PHONE FOR SAFETY BUT WHO WOULD I SPEAK TO IN BETWEEN?

LEAVING MY POSESSIONS. Keys. Wallet.Bankcard etc. Who? Where?

EVERY DAY WE WALK INTO THE UNKNOWN TOWARDS THE UNIVERSE

LISTENING

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM: NO ONE KNOWS I'M HERE.

I GET COLD VERY QUICKLY

FEAR: TYPES OF FEAR: FEAR AS SAFETY: FEAR AS PASSIVITY:

FEAR AS A CONSTRUCT BASED ON 'NORMS' USUAL BEHAVIOURS & ENVIRONMENTS

LISTENING TO THE SOUL OF THE WORLD

4.37pm:  3 people: Stephen, Stephanie & Sorcha came to take the boat out.  I moved to the jetty: Got onto the jetty.

Photograph by Stephen Dodd, March 2012

Fingertips get very cold.

The weight of my body on the wood

The tension in my muscles

I need to go to the toilet, do I go to the woods or back up to the house?

2 black bags and A Troch

5.28pm: Pack up and leave.

Wednesday, 14th March 2012: Jocelyn Conversation

-Witness person? Reporting: Audience Bringer?

Security Guards - 'Berlin Love Tour'

Larger point - humility

-AUTHENTICITY OF THE EXTREMITY/EXTREME PERFORMANCE

'HERE & NOW' - TITLE SHIFT.

AUTHENTICITY OF THE SPACE

EXPEREINCE

BBC Doc - Journalist, pre mobile phones in call box calling his family, "I really miss you"

IS IT BULLSHIT?   

• 4.30, 5pm

UNCANNY = UNHOMED

 STORY OF CHRISTOPHE.

Group Meeting: Thursday, 15th March, 2012

   - 5 mins: "What has changed since the last time we met?"

  Q's for other people

Title 'HERE & NOW'

OUTSIDE

MAGNITUDE

R: "When the performance period is over whether you'll respond to it in another form and what form will that be?"

H: "Do you think there is room for the poetic in your show?"

J: "What is tangible and tangible to who?"

V: "Does it have to be something you show or something that you demonstrate, glean for themselves?"

______________________________________________________

Standby list of people who are per night contact

- Afterwards interview them about that

'Will You Sleep Rough With Me' Disposable cameras.

Catch my breath.  Feeling Freaked out. Here and Now. In this second

This Microcosm of Forever and ever.

Is That All There is? Then Let's Keep Dancing... 

Sisyphus up the Hill 

FEAR

 -You only know what I tell you

they only know what you tell them

2-3-4-5-6

2-3-4-5-6. 

-LET THE LANDS COME-

Thursday

I

3 hrs 17 mins before 6.30pm

Packed my bag, brought my swimsuit

Arrived at the place by the lake with the two rocks.

Some one has put a wooden hand made ladder between them & there's a feather stuck to a rung.

Sit and write and feel my heart thumping in my chest.

The Fear is on me. And I know it's irrational cos nothing is happening.  The lake looks grey.  I have eaten an apple and tossed the core to the right.  It's biodegradable or a creature will eat it.  I also have a banana, a plum, another apple from yesterday and a slice of cake too that I forgot to eat.

Is this Bullshit? I asked Jocelyn yesterday, no, and I know it's not.  But that's the question I keep asking and need to keep asking to make sure.  Simple enough.  I know what bullshit is, I can feel it.

I have a black bag under me on the grass.

I'm thinking of swimming naked.  Heard a fish splash earliere though to my left.  Not that it matteres.

I'll need to be mentally ROBUST for this.

And physically.  It has to start now and build from here to be even possible.

Richards question: "when the perfromance period is over whether you'll respond to it in another from and what form might that be?"

II

Is it a documentary?  I would like every perfromance recorded this time.

The people on standby each night and their feeling of it.

The 'Will You Sleep Rough With Me?' Phase & photos from that maybe record the sessions/converesations/sounds of being outside.  Ask Stephen about the technology of it...

Some one just cried out in the woods to my Right.

I'm aware that I still have the letter I wrote at Duncan's  ritual in my back pocket. And I have heard nothing from her since Sunday night.  I worry.  But I wish her well. Wish them all well is all I can do.  I'm powerless.

I can hear birds and cows and the vibration of cars.

And its starting to RAIN.

How will I smoke on the street?

How will I live with no money?

What will I eat?

Where will I sleep?

How will I stay warm & dry?

How will I communicate with the world from that perspective?

Will I get in the lake now?

2-3-4-5-6

2-3-4-5-6

Back is stiff 

from the rock

Ass hurts.

III

-Significant Spaces

This  is where I raved last year.

-SPIRITUALLY FREEFALLIN'

- EVERY DAY I WALK INTO THE UNKNOWN

TOWARDS THE UNIVERSE

My feet are in bits with the exzema.

Duck flies across the lake.

Who's space is this?  Is it okay to be here? Cos I'm from Dublin?  Is it really my city?  Is it okay to occupy a part of it?

Everything changes - Transitional Time

Transformation Time

Is there a Resolution to be lived?

Or am I simply articulating pushing the rock up the Hill?

2-3-4-5-6.

2-3-4-5-6

Ella Clarke

"What if where I am is what I need?"

Deberah Hayes

This is Very Serious - Don't Take Yourself So Seriously.

IV

Have another smoke.

Most heat escapes through the top of your head.

Stephen said the extremities get cold, finger tips & toes becasue the body automatically protects & heats the vital organs in the middle so keeping the middle warm enough keeps the rest warm

- THIS IS A MAD THING I'M DOING-

What will I do with my phone?

-This is another Camino -

I chose not to go to the end of the world alone.  I deliberately made that choice.  Spiritually it was a big statement for me.  I have to stand in the shit. This is a bigger SPACE TO HOLD.

Can I hold it? Well, I am holding it.

Last year the sea held the show

I think the river has this one.

Annaliviaplurabella.  He threw his medal for singing in the Liffey and walked away.

- WALKING THE WORLD - 

That's what's happening.

So it's alright.

IS IT? On some level. Yes.

V

Read out my letter from Duncan's Ritual out loud at the lake.  Stripped off and swam naked in the lake for the first time.  Screamed in the water.

Got out stood in my towel as long as I could.

Got dressed.

What do I do when I get really cold?

- WALK -

Walked around the lake.

Thought about CHECK-INS for SAFETY with the pereson on standby.  Text intermittantly?

Text my location?

Had an idea about a drop in 12-8am for artists and every one awake in the city at that time at a loss.

Future project maybe?  Homeless.  Is there a need for sucha service?  Artist & Worker.  Heat. Coffee & Tea?

Documentary: How do the standby people feel about it?

'Will You Sleep Rough With Me?' Mics

FILM EVERY PERFORMANCE.

Conversation with Ruth: Friday, 16th March 2012

The Man Ran into the Tornado 

Francis Alys

Rebecca Solnit, Getting Lost

effect their body's

[Cape Farewell] 

 the threat to people's

-Pamphlet-

Philosophy -Galgael - Govan, Glasgow. Built a boat: community vessel. galgael govan

belonging

"Whatever You Want to Do, Begin It"

Booklet - widely distributed

Political Action of the work draws attention to hidden expereince.

_________________________________________________________

Richard chats:

Briefly, middle of the night thoughts record

Woke up in Annaghmakerrig with this statement :

"Either theatre is your life or your therapy, it can't be both"

Wouldnt stop repeating until I wrote it down in the Sisypus book cover - gave it to Florian

Final marking point.

Making Myself Homeless

(on Friday night I went to the lake with Shane & Caitriona and saw a shooting star.
on Saturday night a big gang of us went to the lake and I saw three shooting stars... )

THIS IS PHASE 1: 

I'M IN IT