Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I've been contemplating...

I've been thinking, a lot, maybe too much about all this.  And all is changed, changed with me, changed with this project, it's getting bigger, not smaller, and its ultimate aim is to get smaller, no, smaller is the wrong word, smaller is inaccurate, specific, focused, downsize.  Maybe that's it.
I've been contemplating many things lately, sometimes all at the same time so my head spins, sometimes attempting, trying, j'essay, to focus my thoughts on a certain aspect until it becomes clear...nothing is such right now.  It's all to play for, it's all to work towards, it's all to try to figure out.
The timeframe and trajectory for HERE & NOW has changed, the phases have shifted and the plan has to be different now too.  But there are subsections emerging which need to be dealt with too, and incorporated, which stretches the timeframe further, but there is no hurry, no deadline.  I've only been three weeks with Focus so far, I'm learning a lot, trying to understand some things, seeking to make connections with the people, through exchange.  And it's not easy, it hasn't been smooth, but somehting is happening, and I Trust that.
I cancelled my Studio time to focus on Project Downsize: all that signified me, but today hasn't gone smoothly, hasn't been clear, I've been looking up accommodation & flights to Avignon, moving stuff off my computer and onto my hard drive, I've been taking stupid photographs of my sitting room, I've been staring at the white pigeons who have been living in my garden since I came home from Annecy, they coo at me every morning, in through the window, the big window that I leave open when I sleep so I can listen to the soul of the world, I broke the window yesterday by accident, and I didn't really care.  I just didn't.  It didn't even occur to me to care about the window breaking.  I don't know what that means, or why it's relevant.
I'm uploading cd's into my itunes library.  At least it's a beginning, beginning of something that I don't really understand yet, I'm not sure yet if I'm trying to run away or choosing another life.  I don't know yet. Project Downsize will help to clarify all that.  I hope.

I've been contemplating ABUNDANCE, and what that means really.  What is it that the word tries to speak to?  Online dictionary explanation is not accurate to my own understanding lately...
I've been thinking that Abundance means enough for everyone, without waste.  The without waste is crucial for me.  Enough without waste.  Every one having enough of what one needs without waste.  That's an amazing concept to me.  And I've been thinking about waste, the waste of space where I live, the waste of the stuff I have that I hardly ever use, that just sits there and covers the space in my house, that I also don't really need.  What do I need to be here & now?  What do I actually need to live here & now? It's a big question for me right now.  What do I need to have to be alive?  What is it all about?
And from that I've been thinking about the lovely things, the things that I treasure, 'me treasures' as my Gran would say, mostly these are things of little financial value, but that I can't bare to let go of because they were given to me by special people in my life or they signify special events or exchanges in my life.  So I started thinking about cateloguing everything I have, everything I possess and beginning Project Downsize..

If I can catelogue everything, store a version of everything online or on a hard drive, can I stand to let the actual stuff, the actual objects go then?  I don't know.  But I'm beginning that process right now.
I am thinking about giving all these things away, the significant things like the things that the people gave me to the people who would get them if I was gone.  Instead of willing things to people, giving them now, in person.  Things sitting in boxes, gathering dust, meaning nothing, being wasted.  Maybe they can be used more.  I'm thinking about selling the rest and using have the money for HERE & NOW and half to Focus Ireland, Simon or Depaul.  But I need to catelogue everything first.
I'm thinking about exhibiting everything first.  Before I give it away or sell it all.   

Project Downsize: all that signified me.
Some sort of interactive perfromative exhibition, maybe just running for a short time and then recording the giving away and selling on the stuff.

What does it all mean?  Why do I keep this stuff, what's it's function in my life, in my soul?  Who does it make me?  Who has it made me up to this point?  And am I, 'I AM' without it? Could I be?

Enough without waste...it just seems like a waste to have it here, now, when I could give it out into the world, and share it and get it used properly.

Like the books, they're sitting on a shelf, and I love them, really I do, I love looking at them there and re-reading certain ones from time to time, but mostly, they just sit there and don't get used.  Waste. Though it will be hard to let them go.  But then it's hard to let anything go really isn't it?  Change is never easy even when it's good change, it's still letting go of some thing else, that something that was there before and maybe I thought would be there forever, intended to be there, but The Life moves on and changes everything and some how what fit me before just doesn't anymore, and it has to be okay, it has to be okay to let that go, and in my experience it always has been, ultimately, after the grieving and the sadness, it's always turned out okay, better than I expected usually.  Healing time, it's the healing time and the re-assessing and the letting go and the moving forward again, into the unknown.

Every day I walk into the Unknown Towards The Universe.

So, I need to Trust that this is a process and there's something happening here that can't be avoided, can't be dismissed as pointless.  There's a reason for this new thought process, post Annecy, post conversations with friends, post feeling dissatisfied with my surroundings here in Dublin, post stress about the mortgae, post stress about the money, post stress about society and the overwhelming feeling when I came out of Focus that second week that society should be dismantled immediately! If one person is suffering unnecessarily then we're failing.  We have the means and the capability to ensure the safety of every single person.  But we're not doing it.  Waste.  So I have to start with myself, put things back into circulation that are adding to the waste.

I am afraid of all this.  But I think I'm more afraid of staying as I am.  Not satisfied with my Life, I've only got one!  So I, yet again, embrace the change, walk towards it, run into it, whatever it is, I'm ready, willing and able.  So Be It.
So, the cd's are easiest, I'm starting with them.

Looking over at my notebooks, I wonder what the fuck I could do with them! I don't know if I'm ready to destroy them, or even if I should, maybe some one can mind them for me...is that cheating?  Cheating what/who, this is just about my life so far!

I've been contemplating HERE & NOW, and what that means, ici et maintenant, I have no future, I have no past...and the difference between being present in the moment and immediacy, it's not the same thing.  Not at all.  Being here now in the moment speaks to being grounded, being as absolutely present as being human allows.  Immediacy is something different, some thing transitory that speaks of quickness and a lack of presence.

I've been contemplating The Love and what that means.  And the idea that

Love is the answer to all the questions. 

And can that be actually true, and if it is true, how to put that into practice?  It sounds simplistic, nieve and maybe even flippant, but I don't understand it like that.  The Love is free, always The Love needs to be free.  Firstly.  And The Love involves pressence, being in the here and now, being able to connect with the person there with you, as fully and completely as possible.  The Love is intrinsically Equal. In The Love all is Equal, exchanging by choice not from any fear.  The Love then is active never passive, there is an active exchange taking place that both, or all people invoved benefit from, without waste, again, without waste.  And from that starting place it may be that Love is the answer to all the questions, if it's active, an active engagment with the intention of exchanging on equal terms, with that motivation, then the activity, or continuation of that connection and exchange is for the good of both/all. The actions that result are based on everything getting better, without one person being less than the other...it's hard to put into words, but it's not about 'helping', it's about exchanging in the moment, and if in that moment one has a greater need than the other, it doesn't mean that both are not equal, it simply means that in that moment one has access to something that the other needs and can exchange through The Love, and that perosn later, or before,  in another moment will have something to exchange with the other.  Always meeting on Equal terms, always exchanging in The Love, without fear.

I've been contemplating these things, by myself and with other people, speaking with and writing to friends, trying tounderstand some things in The Life.

On the way home the other night, about 1.15am, walking down James's Street, outside James's St Church where the camino sign is, I met a lovely man who spoke to me as I passed by, I turned to say 'what' then walked back, "Make a wish" he said as he lit a paper balloon, "make a wish" and I stood there with him as we watched the paper balloon expand, speaking together of the life.  He said "make your wish" as he launched it into the air and we stood there together watching this amazing sight, an orange glow changing everything...

In London, in May, I met a man outside the Barbican Tube station who was tapping, and we spoke.  He told me he was summonsed to court on 21st May, and would be given an ASBO to prevent him from being in the city centre area of London during the Olympics, he'd been living rough for twenty years, "by choice, by choice" he said, and now he would have to move somewhere else.  He was to be tagged electronically to stop him inhabiting the city where he lives...

On the way to finish a 6 week drama programme in Dublin 1, I met a woman who asked me to go into the shop and buy her sausages, bread and milk so she could make her children's breakfast, "my husband is not good to me, he's not good to me" she said, "I have no food to feed the children"...

It's 2012.
I can't believe that this is the best we can do.

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